feathers in my cap!!!

I partied too much on Halloween. And, I’m going to be honest — I am not happy with myself. I broke so many promises to myself on the first night of going out, so that by the second day I was not held back to stumble even further into self-loathing behavior. By Sunday morning I was about to cry in shame of my actions, I barely made it that day because my wallowing in self-pity was preventing me from normal activities such as homework and breathing. Of course, being the girl that I am, I call my best friend, confess all my sins to her and expect her to reply with a tone of disgust. “You did what?! How many times? With how many people?” She basically did that but added in some rationalization based on the premise of blaming it on the alcohol (which I don’t see as much of an excuse). Nevertheless, I continued my self-defamation into the night of Sunday where my cousin chats me and says that he hates his life and thinks it might be too late to change it. Too late? I thought, it’s never too late. There is always that ability that you have to make a conscious decision to change. It’s going to take time, effort, and you might breakdown a couple times, and people may not be very happy with your sudden shift in morale but after three nights of detesting myself I’ve got to say without any poetic sugarcoating, sometimes you’ve just got to get your shit together. In the end, I’m happy I had Halloween (I dressed up as an Egyptian by the way) to set me into motion. And anyways hindsight is always 20/20.

For the past week I’ve been waking up early to run. It’s nothing that impressive, I jog for 30 min and wake up at 7:00-7:30 to do so. There have been infinite more astounding improvements made by others. But for me, I’m content that I have been able to stick to something. I have a problem with that. Sticking. Sticking to my word, Sticking to my ideals, sticking to promises that I’ve made to myself. It’s also a good way of punishing yourself, running harder; its a good punishment because it actually leads to an improvement (although the good may not have to do with the bad).  But running every morning does NOT give me the right to look down on those that do not run, I used to be a person who could care less about exercise, and it takes so much mental restraint to keep me from thinking “I run, and I’m skinny, what the hell are you thinking fatty?” I don’t want to be that judgmental person anymore. I’m sick of it, of constantly subjecting others to what I put myself through. I’m not happy, so who am I to expect others to live their lives in any way remote to how I live mine? I am bad at self control. There are so many actions that I want to cease, that I mentally pound myself against a wall for doing. I may have little self control, but I do get up every morning at 7:00 am to run for 30 min.

I think there should be a mental disease called Limited Personality Disorder- affecting over half of the student body in your area. Chances are you know someone with the disease.

How to diagnose:

1. person has nothing substantial to add to a conversation

2. person has no original taste in music, clothing, or lifestyle

3. person has no desire to improve themselves through any method (eg. reading, participating in a sport)

IMPORTANT: if someone you know has one or more of these symptoms please take them to the nearest bookstore and hope something will inspire them to not be a completely forgettable human being.

WARNING: there is no known cure, all concerned friends/family can hope to do is expose the victim to culture and hope it osmosis into him/her.

If I had to write a postcard from rochester to my friends it would have a picture of a frat house, and the library. Let the juxtaposition tingle your senses for a little. and on the back I would write:

Dear So and So,

I am having a great time here at the U of R! Every weekend there is the opportunity to drink and satiate your wants for sin. I take advantage of the this opportunity as much as possible. I especially adore the high quality individuals that I encounter on the way to the bottom of my plastic cup. I have a fun filled week of classes, work and mock trial. I get about 6-7 hours of sleep a night and I receive the sincerest of enjoyment from eating the scrumptious American delicacies. I love how my one main justification for lacking happiness is that I’m here to get good grades and get a job in 4 years.

Love, Alina

P.S. One thing I do love, is putting my hair in a ponytail